A map of a child's growing brain

Self-regulation is a child's ability to notice their own feelings and adjust their behavior to the situation.

First check whether your child is hungry, tired, uncomfortable, or reacting to what just happened. Acknowledge the feeling and set a limit on the behavior. “You were upset. Hitting is not okay.” When feelings are high, a short calm sentence is easier to take in than a long explanation.

In a study that followed 1,037 children born in one New Zealand city to age 32, lower self-control at ages 3, 5, 7, 9, and 11 went with more adult health problems, financial problems, and criminal convictions. The link remained after accounting for intelligence and social class. It does not predict any one child's future.¹⁴ A review of children ages 4 to 12 linked repeated practice — games, aerobic exercise, and some school programs — with executive function. The effect was not the same for every child, and that paper does not say play is better than all other learning.⁵

Social skill is a child's ability to play with others, cooperate, and work through conflict.

Turn-taking and games with rules can be a way for you and your child to practice getting through a conflict. After a fight, listen briefly to what happened and decide the next words together.

Prosocial skills rated by kindergarten teachers in four low-income U.S. communities were linked at age 25 with graduating high school on time, graduating from college, and full-time or stable employment. Some crime measures were lower. Drug dependence was not statistically clear in this analysis, and the authors did not call the link a cause.¹⁵

Persistence and flexibility are a child's ability to try again when something is hard, and, when needed, to change approach or ask for help.

When your child is stuck, do not take over at once. Decide together whether to try again, change the approach, or ask for help. One failure is not a verdict on your child's persistence.

This guide does not add a new study that measured persistence and flexibility as defined here. It notes nearby findings only. In the review of ages 4 to 12, repeated practice was the common thread linked with executive function, and the effect was not the same for every child.⁵ In the Perry Preschool program for low-income U.S. families, the early IQ gap weakened after the program ended. Around age 10 the boys' IQ difference from the control group was not statistically clear, and the girls' difference was borderline. Follow-up to age 40 showed differences in education, income, and arrest measures.¹⁷ A 2013 analysis explained those differences more by changes in behavior, such as aggression and rule-breaking, and in motivation to learn, than by a lasting effect on IQ. There were 123 participants.¹⁸ Later investment can still help.¹⁷

Empathy and perspective-taking are a child's ability to come to know another person's feelings and thoughts, and to show care.

Talk with your child the way you would ask, “How do you think your friend felt then?” and guess together what the other person felt and thought.

A review of 178 studies found that noticing another person's false belief was low in early childhood and then rose. The direction was similar across countries, but country and the form of the task also affected scores.¹⁶ That result is about understanding that another person's belief can differ from the facts. This guide does not add a new study that measured empathy on its own.

Emotional well-being is not a skill the child practices into place. It is a state of feeling safe and respected, and of being able to get help when things are hard.

Keep your child in a relationship that is safe and respectful, and make it possible for them to ask for help when things are hard.

Stress a child can tolerate can be part of development. Stable, responsive relationships have been described as a buffer that helps the stress response settle. The effect depends on the quality of the relationship and on differences between children.⁷⁸ The effect of strong, long-lasting stress depends on its type, how long it lasts, the child's stage of development, and the support around them. Cortisol does not always rise. That contrast comes from adult depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, and this guide does not apply it to infants and toddlers.⁶ A 2012 American Academy of Pediatrics policy defined toxic stress as stress-response systems activated too strongly or for too long without the buffer of a stable, responsive relationship. Frequent scolding alone is not a basis for judging toxic stress or brain damage. That policy page notes a later revision, and this guide did not check the full revised text.⁷ A parent's empathy does not guarantee that a child's cortisol will fall.⁸